108 days and a meltdown

1/28/2010
Day 108 of 182

I had a routine doctor's appointment today for the sole purpose of checking my medication levels (for my asthma and spinal condition) but I nerv9ousoy knew that the appointment would include stepping on the scale and seeing my weight. I have literally been dreading this for five days, the knowledge of what was to transpire gnawing at me. Last week I had every intention of asking my husband to being the scale out of hiding in order to weigh myself, but my insecurities and fear got the better of me and I never did. I was content with the loss of inches and was afraid that the numbers on the scale would overshadow the thrill of the inches lost.

So today, I couldn't escape the weigh in and with my "girl time" about a week a way, I felt and do feel a few additional water pounds. I stepped on my doctor's scale, which is obviously different than scale that I normally used and fully clothed by the weigh.

The pressure and stress mounting I looked at the number and my heart sank. . . 230lbs. I should not have expected more of a loss, but I couldn't help hope for the best. According to my doctor's scale, I have lost five pounds in five weeks and according to my records, I have now lost 18 pounds overall since beginning my personal quest for health.

I couldn't help it, but I cried when I saw my weight. I struggle so much with the conflict of weight vs my loss in overall size. I have now lost 30 inches in body mass, but only 15 lbs in weight. I have put so much effort into getting healthier, I see my body changing shape and becoming more lean and strong, but I DESPERATELY wanted to see a more dramatic shift in my weight. I am the first person to advise others on all of the logical components of weight loss and fitness. I do the research, I know the facts, but when it comes to my own struggle, I lose all logic and become emotional. How ridiculous is it that I cried at the doctor's office? I'll bet my doctor thought I was crazy or perhaps in need of some anti-depressants.

My meltdown has passed, but a bit of frustration lingers. I am proud of my progress and am feeling more and more confident in how my body looks. My heart is strong and my already good blood pressure decreased to 117 over 70 and that was amidst the stress of my weigh in. My blood pressure was 125 over 80 before.

Emotional roller coaster? Definitely. Unbelievably frustrated? Absolutely. Still motivated? Without a doubt.

Activity:
1 mile
A TON of housework ( I had company coming and it was long overdue.As it turns out, housework is actually a pretty good workout and it took about three hours to complete all of the work.)

Meals
Cereal with milk
6" tuna sandwich from Subway with a handful of baked lays
32 oz of Gatorade